Sandwiches
How many sandwiches have you made for me?
For those of you that watch Summer House, this scene will be familiar. For those that don't, let me explain.
Lindsay Hubbard is going off on her boyfriend for never reciprocating - including things like making him sandwiches. She’s upset because the relationship is lopsided. It isn’t mutually beneficial & she’s reached a breaking point. One person is doing all of the giving while the other is doing all of the receiving.
How many of you have ever been in a similar situation? Have you ever felt like you give and give and then you finally take a step back and think, what the f*ck does this person do for me?
I certainly have. & it's a driving force in who I'm choosing to spend my time with lately.
I am a generous friend (& at times to a fault).
I have picked up drinks, meals, lyfts, beauty appointments, & even hotel rooms for my friends with no reciprocation and little to no thanks.
My friends also get invites to blog affairs (which are fully comped in exchange for my social media coverage). My friends get to indulge in free meals and events at their leisure; but it has gotten to the point where some don't even say thank you. Where some don't offer to help me tip the staff. Where some don't even tag ‘@denv.her’ in their IG stories.
A girl friend and I were discussing the IG story scenario over dinner and she puts her fork down and looks at me & says: "That's the bare minimum. That's literally why they're there."
Needless to say, there comes a point where it's time to pay the piper and take account of who the leeches are. The ones who don't do anything for you but still expect everything in return.
Let's use a past example from my life. Lauren, you're up (again).
For Lauren's birthday, I organized dinner, paid for all of the décor, the cake, got her gifts, picked up the dinner tab and arranged for free drinks following our meal. For my birthday, Lauren sent me a pair of leggings...they weren't even the correct size. So in the spirit of reciprocation, I scaled back on her birthday celebration the following year. I still organized dinner, paid for all of the décor & dessert, but following dinner I left to go to another party.
Lauren had a fit.
Eventually the two of us talked about 'birthday gate' & I explained why I had left. She had done the bare minimum for my birthday but still expected all the bells and whistles for hers. That wasn't fair.
Lauren apologized and ended up getting me a couple of belated birthday presents as a "sorry" for dropping the ball on my birthday. Did this make me feel better? Honestly, not really. Why? Because Lauren's behavior never changed. She continued to want invites but wouldn't extend any. She wanted a good friend but she wasn't being one. Lauren continued to come to the table empty handed and continued to get angry with me when I stopped giving her handouts.
That friendship really opened my eyes to the fact that the longer the freeloaders have been on your gravy train, the more and more they expect. & they'll retaliate when you’re no longer giving them what you used to. They'll mute you. They'll unfollow you. They'll disinvite you. They'll steal from you. Yet they'll still be waiting for the next handout.
Stop. Giving. Them. One.
We all deserve friends that take care of us how we take care of them. I love taking care of the people in my life but I have finally realized it shouldn't be to my own detriment. & it's that fact that has me limiting access to my circle.
You want an invite to my table? What are you inviting me to?
& once you get a seat at my table, you bet I'll make you a bomb a** sandwich. But you'll be making me something in return; or you won't be at this table for long.
How many sandwiches have you made for me?
