Closed Mouths
Communication - it’s the first thing we learn in life (& arguably the first thing we lose).
As we grow up, it gets harder and harder to know what to say and when to say it. It gets harder to ask for what we really need.
Why is that?
Maybe it’s because we’re too proud to show emotions. Maybe we’re scared to be vulnerable. We constantly filter ourselves out of inhibition because who wants to bare their feelings & potentially be turned away?
Social Media has made communication even more complex. I’ve found that people will mute or unfollow someone way before coming to the table with an issue. Sure, it’s a petty and ridiculous way to go about things, but hell I’ve participated in this back and forth more than once as well as been victim to it.
A mute or unfollow in this day and age is basically a silent “you pissed me off”. And the issue with a mute or an unfollow is that they generally create an awkward, unspoken situation (that more often than not) will go unresolved. There’s no conversation & a rift is formed between (what used to be) friends; and that rift grows every day in the silence that follows.
I’m actively working on becoming a better communicator due to a situation that happened earlier in the year.
A close friend of mine unfollowed my blog IG back in January. I stumbled upon this fact haphazardly and (as is tradition) I was pissed.
This unfollow came right on the tail of me posting a picture of someone the friend didn’t like - so based on the timing - it seemed feasible that this was the reason why. Now, do I know this for certain? No. Because I never asked (and I wish I did). But I have a strong hunch my friend was drunk or hungover on NYE, saw the picture I posted and unfollowed me because of it.
I was too proud to communicate my feelings when I saw the unfollow; so what did I do instead? I immediately disinvited said friend from a blog dinner & lied about why. The dialogue in my mind “You think you’re going to unfollow me and still get the perks of my friendship? Yeah right.”
No, I did not have to be up early on Saturday.
Not only was I too proud to tell my friend how I was feeling, I was also scared.
The dust had just settled from the Lauren situation & Lauren and I’s fight kicked off with her muting me on Instagram. This unfollow felt very reminiscent of that. So I started operating out of fear. I rationalized that if I put some distance between this friend and I, maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad if the friendship didn’t make it.
The following day, I received the text below.
But it wasn’t fine.
& I didn’t think it was an accident. I think it dawned on her that she enjoyed blog events and didn’t want to lose access.
Now, I know that there is a possibility that the unfollow COULD have been an accident - I find it highly unlikely - but it could have been. & here the problem lies since neither of us spoke up when things started getting weird.
Without communication, you run the risk of creating a storyline that’s not true.
Following the unfollow that was never talked about, a rift in our friendship rapidly formed (then a bunch of other stupid sh*t went down) and we didn’t see each other for 5 months.
My friend and I were drunk when we finally reconnected,
which created a false sense of comradery in the moment that quickly dissipated as soon as we were apart. Our re-connecting came too late. The rift was too big and a drunk conversation couldn’t fix it in my book. We had both let each other down. My trust in her had eroded.
At the end of the day, I wish I would have spoke up when everything started going sideways; because we all should be able to take chances with our friends, family & partners in communication. It can feel easier to not talk. It might feel safer. But you’re only hurting yourself in the long run by setting a standard of remaining silent. When you have something to say, silence is a lie.
And closed mouths don’t get fed.
Till next time. xx