Chapter 1, One Hour & Thirty Minutes

Hel-f*cking-lo to you beautiful readers - it's Christmas in July!

Who is ready for some vents?

Some of you have been following along on social media and several of you were able to sleuth out who this series will be based on. How? Because these two fictional morons, balls to the wall decided to name themselves.

But in all seriousness, I will never understand why people want to name themselves before a vent. My only guess is because they're gravely grasping for some type of control in this narrative. I think they think, "well if we tell everyone who we are, we look like bad a**es." That maybe it will lessen the blow of what's coming. But, it's actually the opposite. If people believe they have identities to go along with these fictional anonymous names, it makes it 10 times worse. Now thanks to a very ill-timed IG story, a good portion of you may or may not have faces to go along with the fake names & histories that are about to be laid bare...and these aren't histories to be proud of.

They're embarrassing.

They're gross.

They're all-telling of character.

Let's do this.

So by now, the majority of you have seen the following screenshot:

So what's the tea? What the hell happened here? How did One Hour & Thirty Minutes send someone into such a tantrum that they walked away from 6 - that's right, SIX - friends.

Obviously immaturity, that's a given.

A tinch of psychosis.

& what it really comes down to, is a distorted reality. A reality that was NOT brought about by normal girl drama that you all are so used to me dishing out. This distorted reality came about because of a boy. More specifically a boyfriend. A boyfriend who successfully deluded someone we called a little sister and completely isolated her from six friends who had been by her side for six years. How did a stupid boy do this? Well, this is no ordinary boy. This is a misogynist.

A misogynist who insulted, affronted and violated six women for a year and a half until we couldn't take it anymore.

So I'm on vacation in Chicago & I receive a text. This text is from Lauren (a name you all have heard before: Scorched-Earth) on a Saturday night while I'm out at dinner club with friends.

What did the text announce?

Lauren.

Was.

Engaged.

Detour here REAL quick.

When you get engaged, you should CALL your close friends and family before posting on social media. Everyone and their mom knows this. If you're super busy and in the moment sure, a text will suffice; but it's still tacky AF.

Tell me you're tacky AF without telling me you're tacky AF? You only text ONE of your six friends about the engagement before posting on social media…you also wear a pit stained crop top and a rental skirt that looks like you're going to a 6th graders luau party.

But I digress on the God-awful fashion choice - that's not the point here.

Lauren made the decision to only text one of her best friends. One.

I received the above text and I was gobsmacked. Thought process? SH*T. We're too late. The next second it was posted on social media and the flood of texts from my five girlfriends came pouring in.

As I got more details, I became angry. I became upset. Why? The girl who had helped the misogynist plan the proposal - let's call her Grogda - was a girl Lauren had cut out and not spoken to for five years.

FIVE.

YEARS.

Lauren had certainly spoken ABOUT Grogda for those five years; & the words spoken were venomous, hostile & highly pointed (we’ll get into this in length, just you wait).

Lauren trashed Grogda on the reg....and now Grogda was AT the engagement? Tell me you're desperate for friends who don't hate your boyfriend without telling me you're desperate for friends who don't hate your boyfriend.

So I'm mulling over Lauren's text and I decide I will respond to her with a hearty congratulations AFTER dinner. I didn't want to be rude to the friends we were visiting and stare at my phone for the entirety of our meal. I also wanted to process and rid myself of the negative feelings I was having before I responded.

I wanted to be happy for her. I wanted to support her. I wanted to respond correctly. & I was GOING to respond correctly. The congratulations GIFs, the "YAY I'm so happy you're happy!" "Let's start wedding planning!!!" blah blah blah. The normal ecstatic semantics you go through when someone you love gets engaged. But right when we're about to leave dinner, Lauren hits me with:

"F*ck it I'm done".

LIKE????

F*ck it you're done?

1 hour & 30 minutes?????? & F*ck it you're done?????????????????

You “LOVE me so much” and can’t wait more than 1 hour and 30 minutes for a response???????????????

1 hour and 30 minutes is somehow substantial enough in this nutso girl's head to "F*ck it I'm done" and end a friendship - a best friendship - of 6 years???

Are you f*cking kidding me Lauren?

Like are you actually f*cking kidding me.

I knew you were immature but GD you can't even give me 1 hour and 30 minutes to get back to you when you full-well know I'm on vacation?

ALSO, why the hell are you so invested in a text when you just got engaged????? On a day where you should have been caught up in a whirlwind of love, you have pathetic Grogda there, none of your six best friends AND you’re stewing over a menial text message and break our friendship with a - "Fuck it I'm done".

WHAT. AN. ENGAGEMENT.

clearly I’m still having issues letting that choice OOTD go.

Anyways, Lauren’s entire engagement day will forever be overshadowed by her "Fuck it I'm done" text to her best friend.

& that is SO sad for Lauren.

but it's hilarious for all of us so thanks for the tantrum boo boo.

So I receive Lauren's "F*ck it I'm done" text, and I know that that’s the nail in the coffin.

If there is one thing Lauren is good at, it's completely closing herself off. It's what she did to Grogda back in the day & she used to brag about how cutthroat she was in that situation. So here she was trying to be cutthroat with me - with us - and I knew this was the last any of us would hear from Lauren.

The gravity of this loss didn't hit me until I was back in Colorado.

I reached out to Lauren three times over the span of 48 hours with no response (don’t worry I’ll get to this), & then she went as far to block us all on social media.

& holy God almighty, open the floodgates.

Guys, I freaking SOBBED for two days. Relentless, to the pit of my soul WEEPING.

I couldn't even open my eyes on the third day - it legitimately looked like I had been stung by a swarm of bees.

We all cried for the friend we had loved.

We all excruciatingly mourned this loss.

The Lauren we knew, was gone.

But as it always happens, the sadness began to dull.

& right on schedule,

the hot rage began to boil.

I don't suffer fools lightly.

& I don't allow individuals who hurt me or those I love to have a false sense of being "cutthroat" when all they are is pathetic and weak.

Cutthroat is my specialty - didn’t you know?

***

An open note to Lauren:

Whenever you go to talk about a memory from the past six years, we’ll be there. We all have each other to lean on to fill your absence - who do you have? You’ve lost six years. You’ve lost six people who you loved fiercely, and who loved you fiercely.

You’re going to miss us terribly. You will deserve every second of that ache.

Treslyn writes you a congratulations note and you don't write back? TRESLYN?

You’re going to be infantile enough to ghost on Dana's wedding? DANA?

You threw away six friends over one hour & thirty minutes.

Because you didn’t get instant gratification from a stupid f*cking text.

What in the actual F*CK is wrong with you?

Something is 100% wrong with you. Seriously, something is ACTUALLY wrong with your brain.

You are as MENTAL as your sister.

You are a DISGRACE to the word friend.

and I have never been more disappointed in you. I will never forgive you.

& unlike Grogda, we won’t let you slither back.

xx

***

So how did we get here readers? How did Lauren actually lose her six best friends?

Let's go back to the beginning.

GARY THE FREAKING MISOGYNIST - WELCOME.

We've been waiting to dish on you and your manic, chauvinistic behavior for FAR too long.

& this,

THIS.

is going to be SO, SO GOOD.

To Be Continued.