The Wheels on the Bus, Part I
Hi there beautiful people! It's Fri-YAY!
You ready for this week’s opinions? Let’s do it.
We took a party bus to Blackhawk a month back for one of my friend’s birthdays. As any party bus to Blackhawk SHOULD be, it was an absolute blast.
For those non-Coloradoans, Blackhawk is a casino town up in the mountains. #imawfulatblackjack #hitme #wherearethepennyslots?
I hadn’t been up to Blackhawk since last November, and getting on a party bus for the first time since gave me some V unfavorable flashbacks that I’m sure you will find V amusing.
How on earth can a party bus to Blackhawk bring back unfavorable memories, you ask? Try getting roped into going on a party bus to Blackhawk for someone’s bday, who is best friends with a psychopath. That’s a solid recipe for disaster right there my friends.
So
it’s going to be a wild ride.
Let me set the stage.
Clara’s birthday party was coming up. Who is Clara’s bestie? None other than biggest whackadoo of them all,
Bertha.
Prior to the party, Bertha decided to publicly declare herself the “Bus DJ” on Clara’s Facebook event…
Like................................................................lol lol???????
First off, who does that? “I’m the DJ on the party bus so if anyone has requests let me know now”.
Are you ok? You’re already annoying me and we’re not even on this bus yet.
Bertha, don’t you have better things to do than monopolize the music and build out a playlist for a party that’s not even yours? Oops forgot, you don’t. BUT, you still could find something better to do if you REALLY tried. Like stalk your ex-boyfriend! Jk. #shealreadydoesthat
People, if you ever feel the need to announce you will be controlling the music (like a dictator) at someone else’s party, go ahead and punch yourself in the throat. Everyone else wants to do it, so you might as well do it yourself.
Since Clara has this inability to stand her ground (especially to poor unstable Bertha), all she did was fervently text me, b*tching that Bertha was going to be controlling the music. Cue groundbreaking statement from Clara’s boyfriend:
- “Bertha should probably figure out her life before trying to figure out a playlist”.
Prior to the day of the party, I kept telling Clara that I was scared something was going to happen on the bus. Naïve Clara kept insisting everything was going to be fine. Now, naïve is something I’m certainly not. Did something go down on the bus?
D-U-H.
To my dismay, the day of the party soon rolled around. YAY! #not. I would have been more excited to watch paint dry.
Totes.
We get on the bus and Bertha posts up by the aux cord with a death grip on the music and red lipstick ALL over her teeth.
Detour REAL quick on the lipstick thing - seriously Bertha, like, are you eating it lol? I actually don’t understand. How does one get that much lipstick all over their face and teeth?! Honestly if you can’t keep it on your lips, you should probs just stop wearing lipstick all together. It’s not face paint. Besides, in my opinion, it makes your gluten breakout and those interesting teeth 10 x more noticeable.
#girlshelpinggirls! #thatsnotaglutenallergy
Back on the party bus, everyone is subjected to listen to Bertha’s unbearable playlist for the entire ride up to Blackhawk; & readers, the guys were more pissed off than the girls lol. At one point, my husband even offered to pay Bertha to change the music because it was that bad:
Take the money and run girl; don’t quit that day job!
So we get to Blackhawk, do Blackhawk things (as far away from Bertha as possible #seeyanever), but way too soon, it was time to get back on that damn bus.
#Goldhelpusall.
Before getting on the bus, one of my guy friends asked me to put on his music. I obliged & made sure I was first on the bus so I could make the aux cord switch to his phone (Bertha legit left her phone on the bus to keep it plugged in).
There were only four of us on the bus at this time, momentarily safe, but as I was about to make the iPhone change, the crazy bus DJ (& some rando girl nobody knew) scurried on the bus AND (drumroll please)
CUE THE SCREAMING!
(Déjà vu much? Will You Not Be My Bridesmaid, Parts 1, 2, and 3, specifically Part 2. That’s right, Bertha’s the one I kicked out of my wedding)
To Be Continued.